In lieu of flowers: what you're still allowed to send
The obituary says "in lieu of flowers," and now you're stuck holding your phone, unsure if that line shuts you out of doing anything at all. It doesn't. The family has told you exactly what would help most right now, and honoring that request still leaves you a real way to show up. Make a donation to the charity named in the notice and use the "in honor of" or "in memory of" field on the giving form; most organizations mail the family an acknowledgment card that carries your name, so they know you gave even though nothing arrives at the door. If you still want flowers to be part of it, that's not forbidden either. Legacy.com's etiquette guidance notes that you can send both a donation and an arrangement, as long as you add a line on the card explaining that you've also given in the family's chosen charity's name.
For the exact wording obituaries use and what each version actually requires, our sympathy flowers etiquette guide breaks it down line by line. Here, the question is simpler: what do you send when flowers are off the table, and how do you get it right for the specific person you're sending it to.
What fits when you're one step removed
Most senders in this position are not the closest mourner in the room. You're a coworker, a friend's parent you've met twice, the partner of someone's kid, close enough to feel obligated and distant enough to worry about getting it wrong. The safest read of that distance is to match the gesture to the relationship, not to how sad you feel. A card and a modest contribution to the office collection cover a coworker's loss without you having to decide, alone, what a stranger's family needs. For a partner's parent or a friend's spouse you've never actually met, a simple food gift or a donation reads as sincere without reaching past what you actually know about them.
The one hard line: don't send anything to a workplace, or mention a loss in a group chat, if the person hasn't told colleagues themselves. Grief that's still private isn't yours to announce, even with good intentions. If you learned about the death through a mutual friend rather than the person directly, route your card or gift through that friend, or wait for the person to bring it up before you do.
What actually comforts instead of burdens
Ask people what they actually needed after a death in the family and the answers split hard. One person will tell you flowers were the last thing she wanted, "another thing to keep alive" during a week she could barely keep herself fed. Another will tell you every single bouquet that arrived after she lost a baby meant more than she can explain, that the color in the house was the only thing that felt normal that week. Both are telling the truth about their own grief. Since you can't know in advance which kind of griever you're sending to, match the gift to the situation you actually know about.
Four kinds of gestures cover almost every case: food that gets used this week, a donation made in the family's chosen charity (or a tree planted in memory through a nonprofit memorial-tree program if no charity was named), practical help with the unglamorous logistics of the weeks after a death, and the gesture that costs nothing but attention, a card or a call. Which one fits depends on the specifics below.
| Your situation | Send this | How to give it right |
|---|---|---|
| Obituary says "in lieu of flowers" | A donation to the named charity, or a food gift if none is named | Use the donation form's "in honor of" field so the family gets an acknowledgment card; you can still send flowers too if the card notes the donation came first |
| Jewish shiva | Food (a cooked meal, baked goods, fruit) or tzedakah | Route it through the shiva coordinator or a mutual friend rather than showing up unannounced; Jewish mourning custom favors an enduring gesture over cut flowers that wither |
| Allergy or fragrance-averse household | A grocery or meal-delivery gift card, a soft blanket, a book | Skip anything scented, including "unscented" candles, which often still carry fragrance |
| Someone who dreads clutter | Consumable gifts only: food, a gift card, a donation in their name | Nothing that becomes a new object to store, water, or eventually throw away |
| Money is tight | A handwritten card, a phone call, or one specific offer of help | A sincere note costs nothing and is a complete gesture; you don't owe the office collection on top of it |
| Weeks have already passed | A meal, a specific offer to run an errand, or a card that says you're still thinking of them | Support usually thins out fastest right here, so a concrete offer lands harder than it would have during the first week |
| You hardly know them | A card routed through a mutual contact, or a small group gift with others who knew the person | Don't send anything to their home if you don't have the address, and don't be the one who announces the loss if it hasn't been made public |
| Household with cats or dogs | Food, a gift card, or a pet-safe plant | Skip anything from the lily family entirely; peace lilies and true lilies are both dangerous to cats even in small amounts |
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A few of those rows deserve a word beyond the table. Plants get recommended constantly as the "living" alternative to a bouquet, and a low-maintenance succulent can be exactly right for the right person. But a plant is still one more thing to keep alive, and for someone whose capacity is already gone, that's a burden dressed up as a gift. If you do send a plant and the household has a cat, skip anything from the lily family. The ASPCA lists peace lilies as toxic to both cats and dogs, causing mouth and throat irritation severe enough to warrant a vet call, and true lilies are far worse: a cat that only licks pollen off its fur or drinks water from the vase can go into fatal kidney failure within days. Our lilies guide covers why they're specifically dangerous in homes with cats, worth a look before you order anything with "lily" in the name.
The counter-case matters just as much as the caution. If you know the person well enough to know flowers genuinely comfort them, from past losses or how they've talked about grief before, send the flowers. Our breakdown of which arrangement goes where when flowers are still the right call covers home versus service delivery once you've made that call. And if the funeral already happened weeks ago, don't assume the window closed. Sending something weeks after the funeral often lands hardest, once the casseroles have stopped and the house has gone quiet. A card or a meal that arrives now, unprompted, often means more than anything that arrived during the crowded first week.
When money or time is tight
Being broke is not a breach of etiquette, whatever the group chat pressure implies. A handwritten card that names the person who died and says something true about them, one memory, one sentence, does more for a grieving family than a rushed $40 arrangement picked off a delivery app. If a church, synagogue, or funeral home offers a virtual guestbook or condolence page, using it is a legitimate way to be counted among the people who showed up, even from far away and even with nothing to spend. It reaches the family the same day, and nobody who reads it later will know or care that it didn't come with a delivery fee attached.
You also don't have to give twice. If your workplace collects for a group arrangement and you've already sent a donation, a card, or a meal on your own, it's fine to opt out of the group fund, or to contribute a token amount instead of the full ask. Nobody is tracking whether your name appears on two gifts instead of one, and the family reading through a stack of thank-you notes later has no way to know who chipped in what.
Pick one row from the table that matches what you actually know, the relationship, the household, the week you're in, and act on it today if the service is close or already past: order the gift card, fill out the donation form, or just write the card. If you read back through this and realize flowers actually are the right call for this particular person, given their faith or how they've grieved before, our guide to what individual flowers say can help you choose one with more meaning than a generic line printed on a florist's card. Otherwise, whatever you land on here, sent honestly and today, is enough.
FAQ
Do grieving men want flowers, or is that assumption wrong?
Grieving men aren't a single group any more than grieving women are, and flowers aren't gendered comfort. But plenty of the practical gifts that skip the "delicate" framing, a case of beer for the wake, a cooked meal, a specific offer to help with the yard or the paperwork, land better precisely because they don't assume fragility.
Is it OK to give money instead of flowers at a funeral?
Yes. A check or a donation to the family's named charity is a standard, accepted substitute. If you're unsure a charity listed in an obituary is legitimate, a quick check on a site like Charity Navigator confirms its standing before you give.
Can you send flowers to the funeral home even if the family asked for no flowers at the house?
Some families separate the two: no flowers delivered to the home, but arrangements are still welcome at the funeral home or service itself. When the obituary doesn't specify, a short call to the funeral home clarifies which locations, if any, are still accepting deliveries.
Can you plant a tree as a sympathy gift?
Yes, and it solves the "living gift that becomes a burden" problem that houseplants create. Memorial tree programs plant on your behalf, usually in a public forest or park, so the family receives a card and the gesture without anything new to water or keep alive.